Despair

Where are you now? Where are you?..
Where will you be when I fall down,
And cry like that little child I was,
Yet still am..
Where will you be to ask me if it's ok,
To wipe my tears, to hug me with that warmth
Calm me down like a summer breeze on an exposed skin..
Where are you know? Where will you be?

All my hopes falling like icicles on my head
A pain never felt before, a new definition..
One that I would've never wanted to learn..
A year has passed now, since the day that changed my life
A year has passed now, since I haven't seen you for I while..
This separation was a bit more than normal..
Wait! A bit? Did I say 'a bit'?
Curse bit my tongue like a black venom!
Ugly figures of dropping cascades!! Ah, the mausoleum of pain!!
Sweet! Sweet, brother.. I prefer choking the sound!
Let this solitude be my stalker once again for my mistakes!
Yes, the core of ultimate distraction.. I am not me again, once more, lovely pain!

Clear out this face clean of all the smudge splattered by my mischief..
Yes, I am a sinner, I have sinned.. All the time, maybe lacking at times..
I am here to open my arms and accept my punishment..
Just don't let me be away from all the good things that ever existed..
That painted me like a children's coloring book,
So alive, so pure, so elegant, so natural..
I want to live again.. I want to feel that I live..
So take me, do whatever you want.. Because I feel not!
I sin, yet I feel not, that's why I sin, hoping that I'll feel..
Once again.. Maybe? The future is no bright landscape to color my eyes..
Maybe it's my ultimate blindness.. Maybe not..

COME BACK NOW! I NEED YOU!!

A Trip to the Mind - Deep Within Dark Chambers of Solitude

I can't swallow.. It's beginning to get harder.. It's always dry now, no matter how much I drink..
No matter how much I drink, I still feel the pain.. It is there to remain..
It just won't fade.. Not from my head.. Not those images of dread..
I feel.. I want to get lost.. I want to be nowhere.. I don't want to be found.. I can't...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

This is not the end to all of my sufferings..
I always felt this way, so I was ready..
I was always ready for another blow, right in the middle of my face..
Just like an arachnophobic waiting to be attacked by a spider
I was prepared for the full blow
I was ready to digest it in my own nothingness
I was ready to feel the misery in my bones..

The day came and you were there, in front of my eyes..
I just didn't know what day it was.. No one told me..
I learned it a couple of weeks after that it was the day
That my eyes met your eyes
And my heart boarded itself to you..
That attachment.. Never felt before.. Never..
And never to be felt.. Never being able to set loose.. Never..

Nothing was to happen.. I knew it.. Look at me, and look at you...
Look at me again.. And look at you again.. And look at you.. And look..
Your beauty has captivated my eyes again, yes, again..
And the fairy tales of "Once upon a time" plays in the background
A story of you and me, never to be of history... Yes..
Ahh... Such comforting moods of reality..

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

None such luck can be of amending quality!
Pure existence! Pure existence! I realized!
I long realized the essence, but never took a sip.
I just let myself roll along with the waves
Along with the thunderous sound of the winds..
Silence.. That is the blade that cuts through me!
The vicious entity, not wanting me here anymore..
It is painful, yet the reality itself..

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

It all runs in the blood like a memory..
But it's all a dream now.. An unreachable dream..
So long, happiness; welcome, suffering..
You, in the arms of someone, a nightmare...
You, in my dreams, only a dream, no reality..
Equations of the mishaps past my vision..
Part ways with the reality that no one wants to accept..
Ahh.. The sole truth patting my back for being a good boy..
Such a lovely obedience.. Such a lovely pain..

Shiver (An Uncompleted Piece from the State of Fear)

Hold me..
I don't want to go.. Not just yet..

this soundscape ain't the perfect pill for insanity...

a kiss from the past from a picture, long forgotten
a surprise appearance from the ashes of the memories
an absolute pain upon realizing how things changed
how things never turned out the way you expected..

you envisioned a brighter and happier future full of flowers
now that your eyes are open, you live the future that was clouded by your dreams
a timeline to plot the transitions in your life
every bullet point, a shot of pain to your heart..

familiar faces paint your today but in an abstract way
you would've held the brush a bit different if you knew
if only you saw it all coming, if only life wasn't this cruel
you hold your cheek with shock after the bitter slap...

sitting down, laying down with music to make you float in dreams
the dreams that bring you back to your brighter past
a tear flows down the sizzling hot of the slap, only to disappear
and to never come back again, although you may hope one day...

this soundscape ain't the perfect pill for insanity
just because I thought of it the other way around:
a manufacturer, not the cure; now I float in eternal distress

with a virtual gun pointing at my head..

Book of Spring - An Intimate Loss of Connection & Recreation

It made no sense, just like it never did..
A strap-on to keep us in place was never useful because we were never able to run away
Our legs gave up trying after realizing the truth about life
After seeing the mines setting off around the fields
It came to its senses and feared of death..

Selfish, in my opinion,
Selfish to keep the reason to the limit that only you are considered..
What if the body has the will to be torn into pieces?
What if it's dying to taste the pain and drown in hate?
The legs didn't care.. Rather couldn't, because of their fear of death..
But there was bravery where the heart laid..
Yes, some people called it bravery,
Yet it was nothing but a sequential derivative of the events that occurred
That finally heart felt that there will be death no matter what..
If it stayed here, it was subject to rot and trail off with tears;
Nothing was of inspiration now, a desolate island of burden
A non-materialistic, metallic, non edgy world with nothing to impose the self to
An impediment to the spiritual relief through astral projections..

It has seen the fall of the Muse..
The wings burning slowly, the angel crying out in vain,
And no one to help but the heart itself..
It has seen the last struggle of the Muse
But could do nothing about it..
Legs were too afraid to step out of the circle
Too afraid of its own death that it cared no more about the heart
The only thing that kept it alive..
So fell the Muse, burned into ashes, scattered around the clouds..

The heart had lost the last reason to live
Now it needed new ways to die
It wanted to feel alive, instead of sitting here, waiting to loose senses..
It commanded, shouted to the legs
But they listened not..
It cut the flow of blood to them
Legs still feared the other way of death: the sudden and the unexpected..

Soon the heart gave up
It knew that it was here to stay
So he built a shelter of bricks
Closed itself in, as if it was trying to suffocate itself..
And it did, it started to die
Sending the last moan out into the world
Hoping his fate won't be like that of the Muse,
Hoping that its estrangement will be the path to keep him alive..

It had no other choice.. Already at the verge of death
It wanted to make it an unusual one..
It never made sense, how it had to arrive at this very spot
How it was lured into this trap..
Death, now seemed more friendly and caressing;
It looked down to the legs, legs that it strangled
It felt the victory in its blood.. A comforting pact with death..

Almost a Year..

Till pain tears us apart
Till living is a mortal burden
A suffer of silence suffocating the last drops of eternality..
Images dance around the revolving empathy of signatures in our own belonging
Dreams set the sails to the greatest divide
An ice age freezes the world but we live on, knowing that there is still heat
Upon embracing your body in the darkness of our hopelessness…

This is the shade that makes us shudder and shatter into pieces that get carried away by time
This is the mourning of the gulls, ashamed of their recklessness
Incapability of getting us together once more
Only memories stand straight, proud
As they push the tears flowing down the creeks on our faces…

It is that smell again that I get once I think about you
That distinctive smell of loneliness, a smell that doesn’t have you in it
The spirit is let down by the truth, the incapability to handle motion
A midnight voice soothes the somber conflicts of the minds
Yet the hiccups dominate our hours, accompanied by the meadows of dreams
Where memories are tried to be placed and relived..

Now the pain is deeper, darker
It is killing me to be here, it is killing me to be without you
It is killing me to remember that it has been almost a year since my life has changed
And will never be the same ever after…

Destiny holds me in her palms like that seer with the magic globe
And laughs over my pain and misfortune…

I touch the soil and feel my roots coming down on the ground
Now this is where I have to belong and feed
Yet you are missing amongst all the elements that enrich me
I grow up, bent to the ground
Always bowing, waiting your arrival…

Silence to Sorcery

Only eternal Silence can be spoken eternally…
Perceptions of truth created by a time gaze
Ration respond to the misleading lights
Change is nothing but a transition of colors in a picture
Along the curves we float, without the reflex

Arrival at point zero creates the perfect circle
Anomaly of perceiving through synthesis of path recognition
Memory implant onto the present conditions and recreational observation
Flow through the subsystems to the main ecosystem

The Eternity being the perpetual reappearance of what repeatedly disappears.

Thought’s relative effect of words on the surrounding condition
Reflecting the silence back to the position that it was created
The initial voice silenced out, also silences the source
Now the source utters words without meanings to fill the sullen air
A speaking without the inception
It is the tongue of the matter that already exists
A metamorphosis, reshaping of matter into monument
Reforming silence into sorcery throughout the words
Only to emphasize and monumentize the silence itself, forever on

Only eternal Silence can be spoken eternally…

inspired by: Alef, Mem, Tau: Kabbalistic Musings on Time, Truth, and Death

Conclusion to Book Two

White is off the catalog of what nature can offer..
Sun shines the sorrow out of our hearts with a single smile,
Winds still clog the path to eternal freedom, yet the cold
The rustling cold of winter is past..

Now is time for the new book to be written:
Spring..